Whatever, Here's My Resume
So-called "Experience" 🙄
- Code Monkey at TechCorp (2020-Present) - They think I work here
- Keyboard Masher at StartupXYZ (2018-2020) - It was, like, a job or something
- Professional Caffeinator at CodeCo (2016-2018) - Mostly napped
"Skills" (as if)
JavaScript (ugh) Python (whatever) CSS (kill me) Git (more like Git lost) Agile (lol)Napping at desk Avoiding meetings
Education (waste of time)
- Dropped out of Harvard (because I'm too cool for school)
- Graduated from School of Hard Knocks (with honors in eye-rolling)
Awards & Achievements (as if I care)
- Employee of the Minute (once, by accident)
- Perfect Attendance (in my dreams)
- Most Likely to Say "That's Not My Job"